ariaribobari

So I am a baby factory now. It's not even April Fool's Day! It was a totally unexpected thing so it's taken a long time, lots of tears, and a few cheesy introspective walks on the beach to get used to it. Wait, No. I'm still not used to it. But i'm past the stage where im frantically trying to get my hands on the Flux Capacitator from Back to the Future. I was/am completely blindsided by this development. I spent the past week before I found this out working on getting my scholarship back, enrolling in FAU, and generally making plans for my big future.

Thats not to say I have no future now. I fully intend to still do those things. I'll make something of myself if it's the last thing I do! I guess I just never expected to have this variable be part of the equation. I (of course) always wanted kids. Everybody has always known that. But I have always known that theres a time for that and a basic order things are usually supposed to happen in.

My Life=Out of Order!!!

I moved in with my boyfriend of almost 5 years before we got married..now were having a baby before i'm done with college. I guess i'm just creative.

I don't want to give the impression that I am cursing this, or that i'm terribly unhappy. It's just that i'm stunned, flabbergasted, just completely caught by surprise. I still can't think of any way this could have happened. But apparently it did.

In the beginning I thought of just ending it before things could go any further. I know enough about Biology to know that at 4 or 5 weeks, an embryo is just a tiny clump of cells. No heartbeat, no big shiney anime eyeballs to make you fall in love with it. I always hated people (religious freaks)who choose to personify an embryo into this bouncing little baby that coos and drools and smiles at you. I think thats unfair.

But anyhow..I couldn't do it. I couldn't even really think about it for very long. It wasn't that i didn't want to "kill" a "baby". It was that I sometimes believe in fate, and I tend to believe we only know what was wrong and right once we get to see the big picture. Most likely in retrospect from our death beds. I remember the gynecologist telling me that i'd probably need to seek infertility treatments when I decided to have a baby. I seriously cried about that for a week. How terrible, to not be able to have children. And now I've been given one, whether it's on my timetable or not, and I may have the audacity to shoot it down?

That didn't sit well with me. I also thought of all the joys kids bring. (I'm choosing for the moment not to think of all the troubles...) Maybe I wouldn't have been able to start a family until I was 35 or even 40, if I hadn't done it now. Medical school is long and hard and I doubt i'd want to be pregnant while working on cadavers. What if I was given this chance because I might not have another one?

Thinking about that, along with 438927509832745 other what-if's is what lead me to the decision to accept it, and start to learn to enjoy it.

Besides..this is my child (so bizarro to say that)and there isn't any way in the world i'd ever want him or her to believe that I didn't want them.

So i'm working on the happy thing. Brandon is doing great too. It's pure luck that he just got a great job with really amazing upward mobility. It's just the right time for that. He was really freaked at first. You can't even imagine what it took to get the words "I'm pregnant" out of my mouth. HORRIBLE. I never want to do that again, until we're expecting it. He is ok though. He really is amazing and great. I don't think i could ask for anything more.

He's put aside his fears and just wants to make me ok. And in turn, i feel terrible for making him dote on me and not on himself. I know it's hard for him too. I wonder what he's thinking. Maybe i should ask. I bet he's probably losing his mind just like i am.

The whole thing is so involved. What do I do first? I need to work but I feel like a trainwreck right now. I need to save money but i'm sure the Dr. Bills are going to start rolling in soon. Am I eating the right things? Somebody hook me up to a fruit and vegetable IV, so I'll be doing the right thing.

To top off all these fears, the Dr. wants me to go for genetic counseling (covered by insurance)because Brandons sister was born with a Cleft Lip and Palate. Also we have a family history of diabetes, I had gastric bypass, and Brandon is type B Negative. So they want to do a risk-assessment. Which i think is silly because what am i gonna do if there IS a big chance of some sort of birth defect? Jump off a building? NO! I'll just have to go on as I normally would, and worry myself to death about it. But im in no position to be telling doctors what to do (YET!) so i'll just listen and obey.

The Dr. was nice. I could do with out all the unpleasantness of a pelvic exam. I like to keep my pelvis to myself, thanks. Also i could do without a million different people letting me know "it's only going to get worse" if i feel a little off.

Anyway. This is the beginning of a new era. Hopefully a happy and healthy one. I'm excited to bring something good to my family. Hopefully they won't be disappointed in me. I hope they understand that I didn't have a say in it.

Also, i love my sister. I would have probably been institutionalized by now if it weren't for her being so rational. Thanks, Pa. I guess i'll let the baby vomit on you a few times.

I'll write more later, i'm sure i'll have alot to say.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

Current Mood:	pensive
Current Music:	Sufjan Stevens